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  This is a collection of articles where I address various dating and relationship behaviors.
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It’s not uncommon for singles to ask, “What’s your sign?” when meeting someone new. Depending on the extent of their belief in astrology, knowing someone’s astrological sign can aid in making assumptions or conclusions about someone’s personality, character, and consequently, their potential compatibility. But there are other signs that singles pay attention to while dating, ones that are not so obvious. These are the signs singles wear on their shirts that communicate valuable information about their personalities, their attitudes about themselves and others and, especially, announces their willingness to be approached and to connect with. Cindy was encouraged by a married friend to go to a weekly religious service where she heard many singles attended. The married friend offered to accompany her to ease the way, intending to introduce Cindy to people to get her started. It was customary for the singles to socialize over refreshments after services, and while Cindy and her married friend moved about the room, Cindy walked with her head down, took little steps, and hardly broke a smile. When she encountered or was introduced to someone new, she spoke softly and hesitatingly. Soon after getting something to eat, Cindy asked to leave. If Cindy could see it, she would recognize the sign she was wearing on her shirt said, “I’m scared. Don’t come near me.”
Jack met Julie on an online dating website, noting they had attended from the same ivy league school. After a few emails, they graduated to talking on the phone. Since Jack was soon to leave on a business trip, he asked Julie to meet in person the next day, even though Julie preferred to talk more on the phone beforehand. Jack dismissed Julie’s hesitation, and she reluctantly agreed to meet Jack for a drink. They instantly recognized each other from their pictures and Jack ordered a bottle of wine for the two of them to share. He then began a monologue about his knowledge of the wine they were drinking, the physical therapy he was receiving for his recent shoulder injury from playing softball, and his bad experiences meeting women from the website. If Jack could see it, he would recognize the sign he was wearing on his shirt said, “I’m more interested in myself than in you. You don’t matter.”
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Posted by: Janice
on Sunday, November 22, 2009
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The guy you're dating tends to be a little less than punctual. The woman you're seeing isn't the neatest when it comes to her pocketbook, or her apartment. And it bothers you. A lot. So what do you do about it? You do what you've always done in your relationships -- you break up. But if eventually realize that you're rejecting too many dating partners because of some "little things" you don't like about them, and get accused of being "too picky," then I suggest you reconsider. Because what bothers you about them, might really be about you. Sure, you say you have to be with someone who values punctuality as much as you do because you've worked so hard on it. And all of those little piles of papers and magazines in your apartment? Well, you've developed an intricate system that keeps them from growing any bigger. So how could you be with someone who doesn't make these same things as much of a priority? The truth is, everyone has limitations that have to be dealt with. We manage our "inner slob" by working hard to keep clutter at bay and maintaining our organization strategies. We control our "inner grouch" by not showing our irritation when confronted with inattentive waiters or careless drivers. So why does it make someone else "rejectable" if they aren't as on top of their own inner slob or inner grouch as you? I believe that the problem is actually about the acceptance and tolerance of one's own imperfections and limitations. That's right. I say "one's own" because that's what this is really about -- not accepting your own inner slob or grouch to the extent that it's actually okay for someone else to be messy or grouchy. Rejecting someone on the basis of these little things is especially harmful when the person you're dating is actually a kind, considerate, generous, honest, and trustworthy person. And you're rejecting him because he gets impatient with a slow cashier? Or ending the relationship because she's always losing her keys?
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Posted by: Janice
on Sunday, October 04, 2009
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When I talk with singles, whether it's about their online dating profiles, their current relationship or any of the other decisions they need to make while dating, I inevitably need to know the answer to this question: What kind of relationship do you want?" I then break it down like this: Do you want a "playmate," a "companion" or a "life partner?" The answer to this question then helps to guides us to determine how to best attain the kind of relationship my client desires. What do I mean by these distinctions? Wanting a "playmate" is another way of saying that someone only wants to date for "recreational reasons." For example, if it's a man I'm working with, and he tells me that he is not interested in a commitment, then I know he is only in the relationship for gratification in the present. In this situation, singles looking for a playmate will typically stay in the relationship as long as it's fun. Once it gets complicated or someone is unhappy, they are out the door. Wanting a "companion" is a step up from having a "playmate."
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Posted by: Janice
on Sunday, September 20, 2009
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Basically, the answer is "no." Here's how I came to that conclusion: I read a “tweet” on Twitter the other day stating “Unconditional love is given by dogs & sought by children. Adults get what they get.” I was immediately prompted to “tweet” back, “Love is never unconditional. It should always be conditioned on respect, caring, loyalty, & making sure you get it back in return.” When I talk with singles who are frustrated in their search for a committed relationship, the demand for “unconditional love” frequently comes up. “All I want is for her to love me as I am,” a 40-year-old single man recently told me. So while I believe everyone certainly deserves to be loved, I believe it unreasonable to expect that another adult will love you without any conditions. That’s because the creation of an intimate adult relationship requires both parties to understand and adapt to each other’s differences. As I responded to the question “Isn't there someone out there who'll love and accept me unconditionally?" in my article on the Law of Attraction, I say "Yes, and that would be your mother." Or, as the “tweeter” above observed, unconditional love is given by dogs and sought by children.
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Posted by: Janice
on Friday, September 11, 2009
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Choosing a life partner requires that you be a good detective. Although chemistry and attraction contribute to a relationship's foundation, singles should be sure to investigate mutual interests, values, experience, habits, priorities and life goals. Here are ten questions designed to help you gather important information to identify a potential life partner:
1. What do you want out of life? Knowing what your dating partner's goals are in life helps you to determine if they are ones that you can share. More important, asking this question helps to open up communication about what really matters to each of you, and what you ultimately want to accomplish in your lives. 2. How important is your job or career? Since levels of ambition vary among people, be sure that you are compatible enough in this area to support your partner's energy and drive to attain his/her financial goals. 3. How important are family and children? People can vary a great deal in their desire to be involved with their families. Welcoming children in one's life also lets you know, regardless of age, the desire to create and nurture one's own family environment. 4. Are you spiritually or religiously affiliated? Do you participate in religious practices and rituals? Belief in a higher power, and one's devotion to it, can be a central focus in the lives of many people. Be sure that you and your dating partner share enough of an interest and investment in religious practices, so that this major area becomes a source of joy and pleasure in your relationship, not one of burden and resentment.
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Posted by: Janice
on Tuesday, July 07, 2009
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If you had initially met someone in person prior to becoming geographically separated, then you would have some foundation from which to build your relationship by staying in contact virtually -- by this I mean by email, text and phone. However, if you instead met someone online first, then you need to be aware of the potential that by only dating virtually, i.e., via the internet and telephone only, you risk developing a "pseudo-intimacy." This can lead to a situation where you set yourself up for a lot of unnecessary heartache. So here are a couple of tips to help you get the most out of virtual dating prior to meeting in person.
After exchanging a few emails to determine if you want to pursue the relationship, I suggest that you graduate to talking on the telephone pretty quickly. This can easily be accomplished by suggesting, "Hey, communicating this way seems to be going well. How about if we graduate to talking on the phone?" Then, after a few phone calls (not 1 or 2 dozen!), if you feel the relationship is progressing, it's important that you discuss and plan meeting in person. Unfortuantely, some times this may take longer than you'd like.
The problem of continuing a virtual-only relationship is because if you haven't met in person, it's difficult to know if the chemistry you think you feel has any basis in reality. After all, you really only have a picture and voice to go on! Unfortunately, the internet and the telephone lend themselves to create environments where it is easier to let down your defenses, and say things without knowing how your message "lands" on another person.
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Posted by: Janice
on Wednesday, July 01, 2009
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The sport of auto racing traditionally uses a system of colored flags to communicate important messages to the participating drivers. Typically, there is a primary flagman who waves the flags atop a flagstand in the middle of the course. But because many drivers may not be able to see the flagstand, several other officials are stationed along the course to direct traffic and keep drivers aware of various road conditions and hazards. It isn't much of a stretch to see how this aspect of professional car racing can help explain some important aspects of dating, since singles are told to look out for "red flags" while following a dating "road map" and navigating relationship "curves and obstacles." In auto racing, flags are used to inform all drivers of the general status of a race. A solid green flag is usually displayed to indicate the start of a race. If a race is not under caution or delayed, it is said to be under "green-flag" conditions. The solid yellow flag, or caution flag, requires drivers to slow down due to a hazard on, or off, the track. The checkered flag is the most famous flag in auto racing -- it invariably indicates that a driver has completed, and won, the race. But it's the solid red flag that is referred to the most when racing analogies are made to dating. In auto racing, the red flag is displayed when track conditions are considered too unsafe to continue the race. Heeding the red flag is necessary in order to prevent serious car accidents or injuries to the racers. In dating, a "red flag" is defined as a behavior you observe or experience in your dating partner that warns you of a problem
area in the relationship, or about the other person.
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Posted by: Janice
on Tuesday, March 13, 2007
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Hi Janice, I am divorced but single for almost 20 years. People can't understand why I can't find anyone-- I am educated, have a good job, am financially stable, keep physically fit and have an attractive appearance. I can't figure it out either. The last relationship he came on really strong and then backed off. He had issues but I still tried to force it -- I wanted it to work so much. I think he started seeing someone else and he stopped calling. I was very hurt. He started calling me again but I don't know if I want to be hurt again. He is acting as if we are just starting to date although we have a 2 year history. And why I am still interested in him even though we argued a lot? What is my problem? My job has taken up a lot of time and now that I am over 50 I feel I have just woken up and realized how late in life it is for me. What can I now do to attract men into my life? What about me do I need to do to become more
attractive? I'm afraid I'm doing things that keep me from having a great social life. Can you help? Donna I'm glad, Donna, that you finally "woke up" and realized, not "how late in life it is" for you, but how
"today is the first day of the rest of your life." Going from being "unconscious," where you are awake but not paying attention, to "conscious," where you are clear and aware of everything around you, is a major step that you've already taken toward creating the kind of life you want. Your questions give me the opportunity to tell you about "The Law of Attraction." Basically, we attract others who reflect who
we are and where we're at in our lives. In other words -- like will attract like. The Law of Attraction works best when you know who you are and what you want in your life, and then by living in a way that's consistent with those beliefs. If you don't believe you deserve to have someone in your life who loves and cherishes you, then that is what you will attract. If you can envision the kind of people you want in your life, believe that you deserve it, live and behave in ways that communicates it, then you will attract people who will support you in living that vision. When it comes to dating, the Law of Attraction says that when you are aware of how you present yourself to the world, you will be able to see opportunities to be with the kind of people you want that you may not have seen before.
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Posted by: Janice
on Tuesday, January 16, 2007
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Asking questions of your dating partner and of course, listening to the answers, are critical to creating a life partner relationship. That's because determining if someone is right for you is dependent on gathering the right information. But as I've sadly discovered in my work as a relationship coach, singles tend to avoid asking questions while dating. Why is that? While chemistry and physical appearance often form the basis for initial attraction in relationships, determining if chemistry exists doesn't necessarily require asking many questions. Yet many singles believe that if they have chemistry with their dating partner, then everything else is either not necessary to talk about or "will just fall into place." Here's an example -- Mike, age 26, met Paula, age 30, on an online dating website. Mike was smitten with Paula, a petite, slim, friendly blond, and
Paula was impressed with Mike's maturity and "decency." Paula was pretty sure after their second date that she didn't want to go out with Mike again, telling him she felt a lack in their connection. Mike convinced her to go out with him again nonetheless, claiming that since they had chemistry, their relationship had potential. Paula couldn't find the words to dispute this, so she agreed to dinner. It was during this 3rd date that Mike noticed how Paula became disinterested in him and eventually started reacting angrily towards him. Mike picked up on this and chose to build on their chemistry by touching and kissing Paula reassuringly. This did not help the situation, and after spending time in
the bathroom avoiding him, Paula insisted Mike take her home.
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Posted by: Janice
on Thursday, October 26, 2006
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Many singles complain that the people they desire as dating partners do not necessarily desire them. Even the most enlightened singles acknowledge that they have imperfections and limitations, but still want to be accepted despite them. Unfortunately, many singles will make their lists of personal preferences their only criteria for selecting a life partner. As I frequently point out, psychological literature indicates that people usually say what they mean, and that the best way to predict someone's behavior is by listening to what they say (and, by extension, what they write in their online dating profiles). In light of this reality, I make sure to tell singles that they have to accept people at face value. Even though you may disagree with a 60-year-old man wanting a wife in her 20's, or the 5'1" woman wanting only to date men
5'8" and over, you have to accept the reality that neither will change. Even if you believe that you could be their perfect match, you ultimately have to take them at face value (believe that they said what they mean) and move on. Looking at the bigger picture, however, I believe that today's singles have the particular challenge of constantly comparing their dates, and themselves, with the media-created stereotypes of who is deemed desirable and acceptable, and who is not.
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Posted by: Janice
on Wednesday, September 06, 2006
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