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Working with you definitely helped me get to the bottom line of what I want in a relationship, which is consideration, respect & communication. You helped me choose, in a conscious way, a relationship that helps me grow. Thank you!
-- Mona[Click here to read more]
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Hello Dr. Janice, I have been in a relationship with a man for approximately 10 months now, and would like to know if it's worth committing to him long term. He is a detective & works long varied hours. He likes his work, but I find his time very limited when it comes to spending quality alone time with me. We love each other & our kids get along wonderfully (we're both separated). He has said he is in the relationship for long term, but I'm not convinced. I'm just curious as to the advice you can offer us. Thanks, Molly Dear Molly, Your situation is not so uncommon these days with so many people working long hours. Many are doing so in order to keep their jobs in this economy, so deciding to work less is often a difficult decision. It's understandable that you would be concerned about his ability to be more committed to you and your relationship if he continues to work "long varied hours." This is not an easy question to answer, but I do think I can provide some insight that will be helpful to you. First of all, it's important that you let him know that you respect him and his work ethic. I have heard men complain that women don't truly understand their drive to be successful and ultimately, financially secure. And on top of feeling misunderstood, they also tend to feel unappreciated. So I suggest you let your boyfriend know that you love him, and that you appreciate all that he is doing to support his family.
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Secondly, I want to legitimize your desire to spend more "quality alone time" together. But you have to understand that he may be doing the best he can. After all, he has children that need his time and attention too. So the reality is that you are (for lack of a better word) "competing" for his time with his children as well as with his job. Having made those points, I turn now to your feeling "unconvinced" about his intention to be in the relationship "for the long term." I need to ask you, what would "convince" you? And, more importantly, why isn't his statement enough? I can understand why this would be difficult to accept if you do not feel he is making you enough of a priority. But other than continuing to ask him to rearrange his schedule to spend more time with you, and possibly get the same response (in other words, rejection), I suggest that you listen to what your boyfriend is actually saying to you. Psychological research has found that the best predictor of someone's behavior is by listening to what they say. So if he says he's in it for the "long term," and you have no other statements to the contrary, then I think you should believe him. What you really have to do then is find a way to accept him for who he is -- a hard-working, ambitious, conscientious detective. Let him know you want to spend more time together, but that you understand his priorities. Either way, make sure you've communicated to him how much you appreciate his efforts at being a good father, and a good boyfriend. Once he sees that you trust him, and have relaxed a bit, you'll see how it will increase the level of intimacy between you. It may not be more time, but I think it'll be more quality. Good luck!
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Posted by: Janice on Sunday, August 02, 2009 - 05:00 AM
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Comments
stevesgurl09
Nov 10, 2009 - 11:24 PM
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I'm so confused
Dear Dr. Janice, I'm currently in a relationship with a wonderful man, there is an age difference he's 25 and I'm 18 but we decided that the age didn't matter to us, he is a hard worker, and sometimes I think he works too hard. Our relationship has been going great and he just recently told me that he loved me so, of course like any woman, i'm very happy. But it seems like out of no where his job seems like it's more important than me. He's a construction manager so I can understand that his job IS demanding with going to the sites and going to meetings etc., but when we first started dating he would do anything to be with me or even just to talk to me on the phone. Dr. Janice could you please help me with this problem! Is it just something I should talk to him about or is he trying to get away from me?
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